Tuesday, 14 July 2015

A reflection on my feminine fantasies

I had feminine feelings on and off from my childhood, along with straight sexual fantasies. When I grew up, my feminine fantasies took many forms. I loved to imagine myself as a traditional Indian woman - a beautiful housewife who serves her husband with devotion. Also, I had day dreams in which I was an adventurous woman who achieved success. Also, I used to fantasize men making love to me. I initially doubted whether I am a homosexual, but on subtle inspection, I figured out that I do not have any sexual attraction towards men. These fantasies turn me on only because thought of having sex with a man gives a boost to my feminine self identity. Sometimes these fantasies slipped to highly erotic levels and ended up in auto erotic sexual release.

All these fantasies had a few things in common. When in my cross-dreams, in which I am in my feminine form, I am always,

1)Good - Stands for what is right, thought I have to suffer for that.
2)Humble - Do not hurt others egos. I even surrender to male egos of others.
3)Submissive- Loves to be dominated, ordered. Even don't mind being humiliated, getting bound, beaten up (light BDSM)
4)Weak - Likes to be protected by someone strong
5)Beautiful - I am a stunning beauty queen

I did not want to go to the route of transition, as I had responsibilities to fulfill in my family.

I occasionally did cross dressing when I am alone, but the urge to cross dress was not much strong in me. My wild imagination gave me more vivid ways of expressing my inner woman than cross dressing.

I have found that suppressing these fantasies does not work. I have tried it multiple times. I would be successful for a while, but after that the fantasies would re emerge with wild power.

Then I started reflecting about a different alternative of somehow integrating my feminine fantasies into my day to day life in a healthy way, without falling to any addictive habits. I happen to read an article which gave more fuel to this thought. To me, it was all instinctive. I felt that there is a way to integrate femininity into my male life in a healthy way.

I will discuss more in the coming articles.  

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